PottAH: Behind The Book And Queering It Up
by Misachan the Miroku Lover
Summary: This is what is to be a series of funny stories mainly consisting of Harry and the gang...and Malfoy's...err, craziness. xD Read, and review for the love of cheese! Chapter FIVE is now up! UPDATED, don't be offended. I absolutely love Harry Potter!
1. Chapter One :Ichi:

**"Potter: Behind The Book And Queering It Up"**

**A Harry Potter fanfiction**

**Written by Katsuragi Misato**

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**A/N: I love reviews. They make-a me funny. xD**

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Chapter One: The Phone Call... and Malfoy's Secret Reggae Sessions o.O 

It was just an ordinary day off at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry...but no one said that day was going to be relaxing, did they? _Nooooo_. Back to our current, semi-beautiful setting at lovely Hogwarts...(even if it's kind of..._not_ lovely XD) 

Rounding the tricky and maze-like corners of this prestigious magic school, the giant hallways are devoid of motion and sound...wait, what was that? Slowly and with a priceless expression of **"o.O"** on a certain lightening-scarred brown haired young man's face, the person who could only be known as the infamous Potter (_HARRY_ Potter you load of ninnies, go back and read the blazing book if you don't know by now) shrugged and went on through the Slytherin corridor, obviously lost in thought **AGAIN** (seeing how he's always lost in something, be it Chambers, forests or whatnot---but that doesn't have anything to do with the story) and no doubt worrying himself to death about it. Suddenly, a strange sound crossed his ears, disrupting him from his stressing session...and then it stopped, accompanied by a flurry of loud whispers. 

Finding himself in the Slytherin hallway shocked him a bit (wait...was Potter going senile? No), but before he could start back unto his deep ponderings, he heard the bizarre sound again. "What in the name of Vol-" Swiftly, out of nowhere, came Ginny Weasley who randomly popped up and covered his mouth, ranting, "HE-WHO-MUST-NOT-BE-NAMED! HE-WHO-MUST-NOT-BE-NAMED!" ...And then strangely vanished without a trace. This was starting to weird out the young wizard, and he stayed there, rooted to the spot, his only thoughts now were directed at..._there_! He heard it again! Only this time, it seemed...foreign. Walking closer to the sound, he paused slightly when he finally found out where the noise was coming from, and stopped. Hearing the song but no words, he proceeded to carry on with his weekend life with a simple mutter of "Well...that person sure has a strange music sense..." That is, until he heard it; muffled but there, a masculine voice was singing: "In Jamaica we go POT_-_TAH!" This..._music_ gathered only one response from a very disturbed young man: 

**o.o**

He shrugged a little, thinking "There's a lot of other Potters in this school, I'm sure," but the second verse proved him wrong:

"In JAMAAAAAICA WE GO _HAAAAAAAAAAARREEEEEE POTTAH!_" This deserved what came next, aimed from the now thoroughly troubled young man: 

**O.O;;;;**

Suddenly, quick as lightning and almost more embarrassing than being struck by it, young Potter recognized the voice. "Oh. My. _God_," he said aloud, drowned out by the now hilariously out of control and booming voice of...none other than...

A low voice only started out that way, rising in magnitude every second he spoke/yelled: "**MALFOY!!!!**" 

...And this, of course, shut the blonde-haired brute inside that stupid little Slytherin dormitory up; oh yes, quite so. Though the music was still going, the poor bloke didn't say anything but a meek "PottAH? Is that...y-you?" through the wooden door. "**MALFOY IF YOU SAY ONE MORE WORD I'M GOING TO SIC MY FALCON ON YOU!**" The small voice questioned him, egging him on: "But I thought you had an _OWL_, PottAH?" 

**-.-; **

An annoyed look crossed over Harry's features then; with an angry shout he proclaimed fiercely (wonder how he does that anyway? Depressed...angry...hoo boy! One PMS'n Potter for you XD) "**THEN...THEN...I'M GONNA SIC MY HEDWIG ON YOU!!**" Just then, he heard the funkay music stop abruptly and a loud, bossy and half-defiant snobby voice could once again ring out in its I'M-A-LITTLE-RICH-BOY-LOOK-AT-ME tone (Oh come on, you know what I'm talking about---the little boy down the street who's always bragging about his new beach and yacht and $100,000,000 car though he's too young to even _drive_ it, the little snot): "I'm going to call my girlfriend now PottAH," leaving Harry with an expression of pure disgust---who in Hogwarts would want to date that little creep---and a **o.O **just thinking about the possibility of such a horrid thing. 

All of the sudden, a brass metal phone, so conveniently placed right smack dab next to Harry, rang in almost shocking coincidence---_'That's not a coincidence. Malfoy...you are so dead...'_ Picking it up with a sigh, he spit out roughly, lowly, not even trying to hear what that swimming-in-green-spoiled-rotten-brat would try to say. "Malfoy, you are one sick little---" This, and the rather hyper yell of a lovestruck Hermione on the phone ("HARRYILOVEYO---") A quick pause on the other end, and then a "What...?!" Realizing with slow idiocy that it was indeed Hermione and not that money-grubbing Malfoy too late, he only had time to exclaim "_Hermione?..._" before the phone was slammed down onto the receiver. '_Oh man..._' he thought, and as the phone rang again, he answered: "Hermione! I'm so sorry, I thought it was the sicko, Draco Malfoy---" A low, seductive voice drawled out---though it was **not** Hermione's---

"_Pooottt_-AAAAHHHH...." 

**-____-;;;**

"Malfoy I swear to Volde-" This was interrupted by Malfoy's crazed screaming, "**HE-WHO-MUST-NOT-BE-NAMED! HE-WHO-MUST-NOT-BE-NAMED!**" A dark voice growled into the phone slowly, with silent promise of what was to come..."**MalllllfffooooYYYYYYYY!!!!!**" A light, masculine voice responded breezily to this, as if nothing had happened at all. "Oh, PottAH, I would've called you sooner...but the line was simply _SO_ busy!" The last thing that Draco heard before the lightening scarred (and now emotionally scarred...xD) young man hastily hung up the phone: "Malfoy, you are **so** dead."

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A/N: That was chapter one! Had fun? Laughed? Maybe not, but that's okay. Chapter two is on the horizon in the near future...review this one first! Of course this is a parody, so don't be offended by anything here---it's not REAL, so don't be stressing. xD Ta-ta! 

Oh...and one more thing before I go..."OH MY GA PO-TTAH!"


	2. Chapter Two :Ni:

**"Potter: Behind The Book And Queering It Up"  
  
A Harry Potter Fanfiction  
  
Written by Katsuragi Misato  
  
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A/N: Aww...no one reviewed? Considering how there's 80000+ Harry Potter fanfictions and countless other parodies of such...ah, I don't give a flying Funguar why, just review. XDDD Please? ::dewy eyes:: I'm gonna cry! xD  
  
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Chapter Two (Or was it nine and three quarters? Oh well, it's a chapter so READ it, and laugh): In Which Our Hero Gets High On Sugar, Hermione says 'Yush' and Malfoy...doesn't have a very good morning (Or does he? We don't know) ^_^;  
  
(Also titled 'Severus, Not Sevvie')   
  
It was yet another ordinary day (God, aren't those _so annoying_? Why can't it be a hot or cold or miserable day? Or a sleepy day? _NOOO_, it just **HAD** to be ordinary---urm, sorry, back to the business at hand) and our favorite brown-haired Gryffindor was walking with his best friends, Hermione Granger (ladies first, you _sexist_) and Ron Weasley (He doesn't look like a weasel...;___; I like weasels, and they don't have red hair n' freckles) on their way back to the Gryffindor common rooms, when all of a sudden Harry caught sight of our **OTHER** favorite, the blonde-haired...Slytherin...(::shudders::) Draco Malfoy along with Professor Severus Snape, the former jabbering like a crackpot parrot whilst the latter sighed and looked on, angry (Sevvie-kun is always so piZZy, ain't he? xD Oh well, we still love him. ^^) "Oh, PottAH _this_ and PottAH _that_," Malfoy jeered, going on and on forever without stopping for an instant.   
  
'Foolish_ child...wait! Instant? Instant...**COFFEE**!_' thought the Potions Master as he stiffly nodded without paying any attention whatsoever to the blabbing boy. The abrupt appearance of young Harry Potter and his two friends, however, caused him to immediately snap out of it and get back to what he was doing: plotting with Malfoy to get Harry expelled. "Potter, Granger, Weasley," he began darkly yet smoothly, being **EBIL** and cool at the same time (GO SEVVIE-KUN!! xD) "You walked wrong just now. Five points from Gryffindor..." he smirked, feeling complete and satisfied for the day now that he had told Potter off and made him lose points---'We're going to win this year, I know it' thought Severus almost deliriously excited.   
  
Potter's only thoughts were '_I'm gonna break-a you face, Snape. Just-a you watch_' and he hurriedly left, Malfoy and Snape still talking while the three huddled in a corner and started whispering. "Did you _SEE_ that?!" cried Ron in a frustrated voice that was barely above a whisper now. Hermione almost cut him off in an Italian-esque "Yush" and momentarily both boys gave her a **o.O;;** before Harry continued Ron's peeve. "Snape's out to get us, so's Malfoy. I'm-a gonna get the both of them, I swear to Vol---"   
  
"Yush"  
  
...**O.O;;;;;**  
  
"Hermione, go suck up to Snape while we go get Malfoy," said Harry, knowing she could and would. "YUSH!" she squealed, knowing this would please both Harry _and_ Ron, and went off to Snape.   
  
"Professor Snape! Professor Snape! There's something wrong!" Hermione called urgently, running up to him. Darkly, he looked at her, already in a good mood from earlier and not taking off any more points because of this while saying, "What is it, Granger?"   
  
Meanwhile, Harry and Ron snuck up on the plotting Malfoy, grabbed him, and ran off giggling like a bunch of idiots at their plan for the blonde-haired Slytherin boy.   
  
"What IS it, Granger?" he growled again at the jumping girl who was screaming "Yush" as loud as she could. "WHAT IS THE PROBLEM?!" Snape was losing his patience, but he totally did not expect what came next: "SEVVIE!!!" Shocked and annoyed, he yelled, "YOU SHALL ADDRESS ME AS PROFESSOR SNAPE AND **_NOT_** SEV---" This interrupted by a "YUSH! SEVVVIIEEEEE!!" and a series of other excited squeals, along the lines of "Sevvie! Sevvie! YushYushYush, it's Sevvie!" This, of course, went on another hour or so until both student and teacher went unconscious, one (namely Snape) because of frustration and stress and the other from prolonged butterbeer/Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans induced sugar high. And while they were off in dreamland, Hermione was still vaguely muttering "Sevvie. Sevvie! Sevvie. Sevvie!" in an unintelligible (and uncharacteristic, since she's supposed to be so smart o.o;;) tone.  
  
Back by Harry, Ron, n' Malfoy who was hearing the bells of his impending doom louder than anything else...  
  
The two boys chased Malfoy down the Quidditch field and almost to Hagrid's Hut until they found him back in the empty Main Hall being angst-ish. He looked on, sighing and started in a depressed tone, "I'm going to do it. I swear. I'll cast the most powerful spell on myself and---" Harry and Ron found this most disturbing that the boy was acting as inflated as usual, so they tried to talk him out of it. "Don't do it!" "But everyone hates meeeeee..." "No they don't!" "I'M GOING TO DO IT---" The speech was abruptly interrupted when Ron called at the top of his lungs: "FREDDDDDDDDD!! GEOOORRRGEE!!" And a magic blue car abruptly appeared in the corridor, driving as slow as it could go. "Get in the car, Malfoy. They'll go take you to the candy store, okay? Stop it." "No, I'm going to---" This was again stopped by the Weasley twins hitting Malfoy.   
  
...He was shocked. "You--You ran me over! I can't believe you ran me over!" cried Malfoy. "Oh for God's sake Malfoy, we were only going 2 miles an hour," exclaimed Fred in exasperation, while George got out of the car. "I'm going to get a toilet seat...**^^**"   
  
**o.O;;;;**  
  
"Err, right."   
  
"Well at least we got you back for the telephone incident," said Harry, proud of himself. "Hermione wouldn't talk to me for weeks," he added, and Ron said, "Malfoy got out of his depression, too," with a smile. Realizing this, Malfoy whined, "That's right---oh no! Now I can't complain! I'll get you, Weasley, PottAH! I swear to Vol---" "YUSH!!" came the voice of a hyper Hermione dragging a now conscious Snape towards all of them. "Right, Sevvie?!!?!" "Right...**-_-;;**"  
  
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A/N: Malfoy got hit by the Muggle car xD No, he wasn't hurt in the making of this fic, so don't flame me or sue me, 'cause I don't own anything here 'cept for the fic.   
  
One more thing before I go: "SEVVIEEEEE! ^^"   
  
~ Misato Katsuragi


	3. Chapter Three :San:

"Potter: Behind The Book And Queering It Up"  
  
A Harry Potter fanfiction  
  
Written by Katsuragi Misato  
  
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A/N: Time for some relief from the present-day HP...how about going back awhile?  
  
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Chapter Three: 'Oopsie-daisie' and Accidents o.o;  
  
We find ourselves now going back to the days where Volde-(Percy pops up) "HE-WHO-MUST-NOT-BE-NAMED!"  
  
... Right -_-;  
  
Where HE-WHO-MUST-NOT-BE-NAMED! Ruled...  
  
We now see HIM, stalking forth to a very quaint, peaceful looking home, wand trust forward, with killings on his mind... As he draws closer to the setting, he mutters a stange word, wand pointed at the door. The door, in an instant, flies open...but he has been expected. In front of him (most heroic like), wand at the ready, stands a tall, dark haired man that we would only recognize to be good ol' loyal James Potter. Good ol' James's heroic scene is ruined instantaneously by Vol...  
  
HE-WHO-MUST-NOT-BE-NAMED.  
  
With a simple wave of his wand, loyal James Potter sulks toward the ground and, before he can even touch it...dies.  
  
With him out of the way, HE ascends up the stairwell, wand faithfully now at his side. As he reaches the top, he looks around, looking fierce with his blood-shot eyes widening, now focusing on something. HE slowly walks toward a room, wand still at his side, looking joyful and enraged at the same time.  
  
This time, to open the door, it just takes a simple turn of the handle. Now his wand is pointed onward toward a crib. As HE walks nearer, we can hear ickle-Harry Potter stirring in his slumber.  
  
"Sweat dreams ickle-Harry," bellows a cold deep voice..."For they will be your last!"  
  
At this, ickle-Harry opened his eyes to find a wand pointed at him. With a giggle, Harry grabs the wand a begins to teeth on it.  
  
"STOP THAT THIS INSTANT YOU LITTLE BRAT!" yelled HE, Pulling his wand from Harry's tight grip. Apparently this scared Harry, for he began to wail, kick, and scream.  
  
"DAMN! HE'S GONNA WAKE HIS MOM!" whined Voldie, and with that he picked up little Harry and atempted to calm him.  
  
"There, there. Stop crying already, you're gonna wake Lily! Aw come on, I was only playin'," cried Voldie to find it wasn't working. At this point he was so desperate he'd try anything. So he began to play games with Harry, tossing him up and down.  
  
"Up-see-daisy. Up-*smash*see-SHIT!!" On the way up Harry had hit his head on the ceiling and he now bore a lightning shaped scar on his forehead.  
  
"Lily's gonna kill me!" he wailed, and just then Lily stormed into the room cursing at him. After a severe beating, he finally managed to kill her and limped off (leaving ickle-Harry) too tired to carry on.  
  
~*end*~  
  
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So did you like? I think it's a fine twist o'fate.  
  
T.T.F.N.  
  
tah tah for now.  
  
"SQUEE!!!" 


	4. Chapter Four :Yon:

"Potter: Behind The Book And Queering It Up"  
  
A Harry Potter fanfiction  
  
Written by Katsuragi Misato  
  
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A/N: Cheese is good. So are reviews. xDD  
  
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Chapter Four: Random Sugar And The Return Of PottAH! xDD  
  
Back in the present-day (and none the less normal), the dark-haired wizard boy Harry Potter was goofing off. It was (conveniently, might I try and add) again, the weekend and Malfoy was still giving his 'girlfriend' random calls that usually resulted in Harry threatening him with a Petrificus Totalus spell from his 'friendly' wand...o.o; O--kay then. *Yeah*...  
  
And we find our friend Harry talking with Ron and Hermione in some secret corner where *no one* comes by (that always seems to happen...how queer...like when Harry's in the hallways thinking to himself, no one comes by and hears him or anything)  
  
Harry: OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGG  
  
Ron (frantically) Are you alright?! Did you swallow a turtle?! BUTTERBEER! The sky is falling! Snape is flying! NUTTER BUTTER! YUSH! ::squeals like a rabid fangirl and runs off, yelling something that sounds suspiciously like "SEVVIE!!"::  
  
Hermione: I like baseball. ^____________^  
  
Harry: OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG---wait, baseball? What kind of crazy Muggle sport is that?  
  
Suddenly a red-headed girl pops up from out of nowhere once again (she's...special...xDDD) with a slightly crazed look on her freckled face.   
  
Ginny: Hey...I thought you were a Muggle?! O.O;;;  
  
Harry: You---you surely jest!! ::eats some Muggle-fied Rice Krispies:: Lies, I tell you, lies!   
  
Ron: ::comes back, takes out his wand and points it randomly in the air:: I'm so SHINY! Look at mai shiny stick! SHINY~!  
  
Hermione, Harry and Ginny: Ooooh, pretty pretty pretttttyyyy!  
  
Ron: ... _ MINE ::waves threateningly and it explodes in their faces::  
  
Harry: IDLE THREATS, WEASLEY! IDLE! ::takes out a can of soda pop and shakes it furiously, then quickly pulls the tab and sprays it all over Ron::  
  
Ron (while he's getting sprayed) : Idle-y. ^____________^  
  
::Hermione zaps Harry for no apparent reason::  
  
Harry: I can't hit a girl! Eff it!! Hey, wait...::examines the back of can::  
  
CAN WARRANTEE:  
  
THIS PRODUCT DOES NOT HIT GIRLS, THEREFORE, YOU MAY SHAKE AS YOU PLEASE AND GET THEM ALL WET. HA HA.   
  
Harry: Works for me ^_________________^  
  
Not reading the warning, Harry takes out another one and sprays Hermione. Suddenly, Hermione's eyes turn red and steam starts coming out of her ears.  
  
Harry: SHE'S GOING DOWN! ABANDON SHIP, SHE'S GOING DOWN!   
  
Ron, Ginny: Man the lifeboats!  
  
Harry quickly reads the warrantee on the back of the can again, finding a warning in big red letters right below it:   
  
CAN WARNING: THIS PRODUCT, IF SPRAYED AT GIRLS, PROVOKES VOILENT BEHAVIOR. YOU ARE WARNED. FOR INSTRUCTIONS ON WHAT TO DO IF YOU DID NOT READ THIS BEFORE DOING SO, READ CAN FRONT.   
  
Harry: ::reads can:: "Instructions: Run for your effing life, you little dunderhead. We are not responsible for any injury you might get from the chick you sprayed."  
  
Harry: O____________O OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG ::Runs like a big lightening-scarred chicken::  
  
Hermione: ::roars like a lion and yells before going after Harry:: MAN I FEEL LIKE A WOMAN ::chases Harry::  
  
::Ron and Ginny are licking cherry popsicles while watching the rather...*fun* scene play out before them::  
  
Ron: I like baseball. ^^  
  
Ginny: Yush. =^o^=  
  
Malfoy and Cho: PottAH?   
  
O.O;  
  
::Everyone stops; Harry is bruised with torn robes, Hermione is silent and in mid-hit, Ginny and Ron in mid-lick of their popsicles::  
  
Harry: MALFOY?! CHO?!?! OMGGGG?!  
  
Malfoy: That's right...PottAH.  
  
Harry, Hermione, Ron and Ginny (in unison): You're dead, Malfoy.   
  
::Everyone goes after Malfoy while Cho watches boredly: Ron and Ginny with their popsicles being waved like swords, Hermione hitting and biting Malfoy and Harry just plain mad going after him::  
  
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A/N: Chapter Four! Eeeee! Sugar high and yet another...interesting situation. Malfoy is quite the popular...snob, isn't he? o.O;  
  
Yes...^^; And my quote for today is..."Long live Butterbeer!"   
  
~ Katsuragi Misato 


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